Any day a Ph.D. educated German psychoanalyst

is on the verge of screaming at you because you disagree with him is a good day.

Ruminations

So, my thought has unfortunately drifted over and over to these next 3 topics.

1. It's always funny when you look back on the past couple years and regret quite a bit, but regret nothing more than taking good people for granted. I was thinking about OSU, last night. Overall, I'd say I had a miserable experience, and there were definitely some people and many bad choices I'd mad that caused that to happen. That said, I've been talking to some of my friends from up there again, and I just wish I'd spent more time with them. I'd say this stands in stark opposition to now where I don't go out at all, haven't really met any new people I'd enjoy hanging out with, but the few I have met, I'm unable to spend time with. It's something.

2. I've been reading a lot about faith and arguments justifying positions on reasons for "faith based actions." The more I read about them, I tend to feel it's like a successful suicide.

3. I keep on trying to envision where I'll be in the next 15 years, and I keep drawing blanks. It's a pretty miserable feeling to have at this point in life.

The Chopping Block

On an extremely selfish note, I had high expectations for this past weekend and hoped to take my mind off of the seemingly relentless amounts of school work that I've had for the past 3 weeks. The aforementioned notion was dissuaded at 3 PM on Friday afternoon when I sat down to read, revise, and add a conclusion to a group paper. After 45 minutes of dicking around, trying to make sense of one person's segment, I shot an email off to a professor explaining that I hated to play the Judas card, but the bottom line was that people weren't pulling their weight. That situation was moderately resolved. At any rate, I eventually went out, had a decent time, etc. etc. but something was clearly amiss, as is usually the case.

Saturday morning, I wake up and had planned on going out to lunch with my mom. Both of my parents were present at this time and told me that they needed to talk to me later on in the day when they had time. Dinner time rolls around, and they lay the news out on the table. On Friday, President Obama named my father's program as one of the programs he was planning to cut by 2010, and the sooner, the better. What this means is for the next 7 months, my father has to literally go to work everyday thinking it's going to be his last day on the job. I'm not sure how to put the general mood in print other than it has to be akin to being an innocent man on death row the night before the execution with no chance of pardon. The exact phrase "well, we've been fortunate and have had a good run" came out of his mouth right after informing us that HR had him resign an agreement essentially acknowledging the fact that he could be let go at any moment, could not sue, etc. etc. from here on out. Needless to say, receiving this information carried a heavy weight on my mind for the remainder of the day, and I probably looked, felt, and acted like a the proverbial "buzzkill."

What's the point of all of this? Well, after reading the president's statement regarding his reasoning and reading the design of my father's program, I have to say, beyond a personal level, that there is an extreme short term, completely reactionist stance occurring at the governmental level which has the potential to be the final shovel full of dirt we so desparately need to put this damn social experiment behind us. In the short term, the cutting of my father's program will save the government on the order of 1 billion dollars it was going to spend over the next 2 years. While the notion that the government wants to stop spending as much usually pleases me, the cost of this action is significant. On one hand, you have a president stating that we have a "brain drain" in this country while stating the need to stimulate the economy. My father's program was started to create a competition between two gigantic manufacturers, designed to lower the price of the overall product because of competition, and most importantly, create new jobs as the product became more popular. The irony of cutting engineering jobs as a "beneficial" move for this economy and society is what shocks me. We need more people focusing in on math and sciences, but if those jobs are being cut, who in their right mind would want to walk that arduous path?

Oh well, I'm rambling. I remember sitting there on election day and saying "well, we've witnessed the start of something......" Now, it seems that's coming to roost.

Putting The Money Where The Mouth Was

So, I've been obsessed with Frederich Nietzsche for some time now and have been extolling the virtues of his writings to just about everyone I can think of. I've even received praise from a professor who studies the subject almost exclusively. That said, I've done very little in terms of putting some of the key ideas of his into practice. Essentially, I realize that I've been a very loud, socially inept asshole over the past couple months, unable to string clear thoughts together, have spoken like a crazed banshee, and have lost a fair amount of intelligent verbiage because the need for progressive thought has, on whole, been bashed by academic endeavors. What I'm getting at is that I need to overcome myself. I'm the one with the problems and can't expect anyone to be different. I'm the one who has to change. So, I'm giving the following a shot:

1. I have started a workout program for the next 90 days.
2. I am going to keep my mouth shut for the next 2 months.
3. I am going to keep my mouth shut for the next 2 months
4. I am going to continue studying philosophy. (Kierkegaard seems to be my kick right now)
5. I will attempt to better myself and become a happier person all around even though I realize the fundamental element of being happy is understanding what being miserable is. I think I know one of the 2 all too well.

Illness: Week 7

So, I've been sick since Dec. 17th or thereabout. I can't explain it any other way than I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. My chest feels like hell, I'm no better off than I was 6 weeks ago, I've been on 3 antibiotics that I'll assume I'm now immune to, I can now feel fluid in my lungs, my heart is beating at a rapid rate for no apparent reason, and I'm sure the doctor will do next to nothing to resolve this situation when I see him tomorrow. On top of all of that, it seems anytime I get tense or under a lot of stress now, my previously injured foot starts hurting, a slight sweat starts breaking out, and all of the anxiety I felt say back in May starts creeping through my body again. This makes it especially hard because hacking my lungs out has started to really wear me thin which causes the anxiety to occur several times a day. Sweet.

Ironically, this has all occurred when I'm on whole eating healthier, working out, not drinking, taking vitamins, and else wise attempting to lead a healthier lifestyle. Go me.

I used to jokingly say "I think I'm losing my mind."

Well, I think it's truly started to happen. I don't know how or why, but Sunday night, I had some sort of intense "flashback" of my whole accident. I don't know what triggered it, etc. etc. I'll cite stress. It was intense enough to make my body physically ache and caused me to spend most of the night sweating. Could just be remorse for all I know.

I made it through Monday at school being able to joke around and what not, but by the time I'd made it home, that mood was killed. Herein lies the dual nature of what's been going on. I've been feeling fantastic for weeks at a time, and then, this recurring memory comes back over and over until I'm just in a terrible mood for weeks on end. If I actually trusted psychiatry, I'd go see a psychiatrist, but I bet money they'd want to stick me on some mood altering substances just because and not the good kind. When the voices come on, we'll see..... that's a joke.

So, I apologize for any and all rude behavior I've exhibited over the past few months and for the months to come. I'm trying to cope with some of the more annoying consequences of the decisions I've made, and in turn, it's brought this reoccurring nightmare. I'm trying to eliminate one of the main issues that's been bogging me down by the middle part of next month. I hope that helps substantially.

Children rule

I love kids. They're brutally honest, will paint you awesome pictures, etc. They're my kind of people.

My sister, a 12 year old, just looked at my mom and said "mom, why are creationists so stupid?" Yesterday, she drew a picture of "Sebraham Lincoln."

She started a story called "A Rat Named Smith."

Remember when life used to be that simple and awesome? yeah. me too.